Friday, 27 August 2010

World war 2 Analogies

Here are a couple of simplified analogies of WW2 that i'm posting here for my own future reference, but they might entertain you too, if you're interested in this sort of thing. Both are brilliant.

Germany, Austria and Italy are stood together in the middle of the pub,when Serbia bumps into Austria, and spills Austria’s pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit, because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria’s point of view. Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit. Serbia points out that it can’t afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for cleaning Austria’s trousers. Russia and Serbia look at Austria. Austria asks Serbia who it’s looking at. Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone. Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so. Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene. Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it? Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action. Britain and France ask Germany whether it’s looking at Belgium. Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back,Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone. Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium. France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other. Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it’s on Britain’s side,but stays there. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria. Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings, because Britain made Australia do it. France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up andcarries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change. Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway.Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting. America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool,then pretends it won the fight all by itself. By now all the chairs are broken, and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany’s fault . While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.


*Hitler[AoE] has joined the game.*
*Eisenhower has joined the game.*
*paTTon has joined the game.*
*Churchill has joined the game.*
*benny-tow has joined the game.*
*T0J0 has joined the game.*
*Roosevelt has joined the game.*
*Stalin has joined the game.*
*deGaulle has joined the game.*

Roosevelt: hey sup
T0J0: y0
Stalin: hi
Churchill: hi
Hitler[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!
paTTon: lol more like panzy tanks
T0J0: lol
Roosevelt: o this fockin sucks i got a depression!
benny-tow: haha america sux
Stalin: hey hitler you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool?
Hitler[AoE]: sure whatever
Stalin: cool
deGaulle: **** Hitler rushed some1 help
Hitler[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy
Roosevelt: i dont got crap to help, sry
Churchill: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me
Roosevelt: get antiair guns
Churchill: i cant afford them
benny-tow: u n00bs know what team talk is?
paTTon: stfu
Roosevelt: o yah hit the navajo button guys
deGaulle: Eisenhower ur worthless come help me quick
Eisenhower: i cant do **** til rosevelt gives me an army
paTTon: yah hurry the fock up
Churchill: d00d im gettin pounded
deGaulle: this is fockin weak u guys suck
*deGaulle has left the game.*
Roosevelt: im gonna attack the axis k?
benny-tow: with what? ur wheelchair?
benny-tow: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?
Hitler[AoE]: ROFLMAO
T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u
Roosevelt: wtf! thats bullsh1t u fags im gunna kick ur asses
T0J0: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u
Hitler[AoE]: wtf
Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army
Hitler[AoE]: thats bullsh1t u hacker
Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler
Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!
T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
Stalin: WTF u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE
Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
benny-tow: haha
benny-tow: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy soon sum1
T0J0: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full
Hitler[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help
Roosevelt: yah thats right biznitch im comin for ya
Stalin: church help me
Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
Stalin: dont be an arss
Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
Eisenhower: LOL
benny-tow: hahahh oh sh1t help
Hitler[AoE]: o man ur focked
paTTon: oh what now biotch
Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
*benny-tow has been eliminated.*
benny-tow: lame
Roosevelt: gj paTTon
paTTon: thnx
Hitler[AoE]: WTF Eisenhower hax hes killing all my sh1t
Hitler[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record
Eisenhower: Nuts!
benny-tow: wtf that mean?
Eisenhower: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped
paTTon: coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun cocksocker
Stalin: rofl
Hitler[AoE]: u guys are fockin gay
Hitler[AoE]: ur never getting in my city
*Hitler[AoE] has been eliminated.*
benny-tow: OMG u noob you killed yourself
Eisenhower: ROFLOLOLOL
Stalin: OMG LMAO!
Hitler[AoE]: WTF i didnt click there omg this game blows
*Hitler[AoE] has left the game*
paTTon: hahahhah
T0J0: WTF my teammates are n00bs
benny-tow: shut up noob
Roosevelt: haha wut a moron
paTTon: wtf am i gunna do now?
Eisenhower: yah me too
T0J0: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol
Eisenhower: fock u
paTTon: lemme go thru ur base commie
Stalin: go to hell lol
paTTon: fock this sh1t im goin afk
Eisenhower: yah this is gay
*Roosevelt has left the game.*
Hitler[AoE]: wtf?
Eisenhower: sh1t now we need some1 to join
*tru_m4n has joined the game.*
tru_m4n: hi all
T0J0: hey
Stalin: sup
Churchill: hi
tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz
tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple
Stalin: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets
T0J0: wtf is nukes?
T0J0: holy sh*tholysh*thoylshti!!!111
*T0J0 has been eliminated.*
*The Allied team has won the game!*
Eisenhower: awesome!
Churchill: gg noobs no re
T0J0: thats bullsh*t u fockin suck
*T0J0 has left the game.*
*Eisenhower has left the game.*
Stalin: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for ****
Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss
tru_m4n: l8r all
benny-tow: bye
Churchill: l8r
Stalin: fock u all
tru_m4n: shut up commie lol
*tru_m4n has left the game.*
benny-tow: lololol u commie
Churchill: ROFL
Churchill: bye commie
*Churchill has left the game.*
*benny-tow has left the game.*
Stalin: i hate u all fags
*Stalin has left the game.*
paTTon: lol no1 is left
paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep
*paTTon has been eliminated.*
paTTon: o sh1t!
*paTTon has left the game.*

Great stuff!

Wednesday, 25 August 2010


I am excited to announce the upcoming release of FCRabs new short, DISCONNECTED. I am especially excited about it because i've just seen a 4 minute preview, and it looks amazing.

He gave me the opportunity to watch it on the basis that I write a review of the preview. Here is my review:

Well, I don't know where to start with this. I've loved all of your shorts that i've seen, and it's an honour to have seen a preview of DISCONNECTED.

I could tell from the very opening scenes that this would be amazing. The use of V.O gets the situation across quickly and efficiently, but doesn't detract from the story at all. I felt more like I was watching a trailer than an opening, primarily because of the lack of dialogue in the second half of the clip, and also because of the intense soundtrack accompanying the images.

I'm not sure whether the actual movie is going to be more character focussed perhaps, as the clip really doesn't give away any clues in that regard. To be honest, i'm not sure if i would prefer a focus on specific characters, as we get a broader sense of the looming disaster, by meeting a huge range of people as shown in the clip. For example, the contrast between the families, rushing to their cars with bags packed, compared to the mob with signs who beat down a police officer. I love that contrast, and it really gave us a sense of widespread chaos. Then again, if it was character focussed, i'm sure it would still be amazing, especially with your experience of character-focussed shorts.

How do you make your work look so professional? The photography, colouring and sound is perfect. It all combined to make the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

If somebody said to me that this was a trailer for a feature film, I would pay to see it tonight. It's a damn shame that you're not making money from this, but I really believe that's where you'll be one day.

Other things I liked about the clip:

The newsreader scenes. The deserted buildings, knocked over chairs. The smooth pans. The disregarded mobile phones.

I really don't know how you do it. I'll be getting the word out to all of my film-buff friends to keep an eye out for DISCONNECTED.

Here is the only negative thing for me: The exploding building. Understandably on your budget, you can't go around blowing up buildings. But the graphics, though very good, looked a bit cartoonish. Maybe you could try to enhance that, because I do think it adds to the development of the situation.

That's a very small negative though, compared to the pure awesomeness of the entire thing.

Thanks again for the opportunity to watch this.

Trust me, watch out for this film to drop either on youtube or Vimeo. It's going to be good!

Broken Identities

This week I've been working on ideas for a competition, the theme of which is Broken Identities. Although I have no expectations of winning, I'd still like to give it a fairly good crack. The theme interests me greatly anyway, so what's the harm?

Here are three ideas that I came up with:

A German girl, brought up in a loving family in the 50's, recalls a family trip back to France where her Mother grew up, to visit her dying Grandmother. While there, she discovers the truth about why they had never visited, and they are embarassed and publically dismissed from the town.

A teenage boy, disliked at school and neglected at home, falls in with a crowd of BNP followers; the only people to accept him for who he is, as long as he will embrace their racist beliefs. Then he finds out that his roots aren't exactly English. He worries about how his new and only friends will react, and must find a way out.

After a night of drunken birthday antics with her father, a teenage girl forces her father to reveal all about his past. She is shocked to find out that he is an ex-MI5 agent, forced to move away and live under a new identity, after being caught infiltrating a dangerous gang. She struggles to believe that her entire life isn't a lie.

I've started writing the first idea (1000 words in out of 2500), but don't really have detailed outlines for any of them. I've decided to just write and see what happens. I'm quite happy with it so far, and it's exciting to think spontaneously. I'm pretty sure the best writers write this way.

I am having real difficulty in deciding which story is the most appealing and offers the most opportunity in relation to the theme. I think i'll just write them all up and pick later.

Friday, 20 August 2010

Scriptwriting in the UK: London Screenwriters' Festival

Scriptwriting in the UK: London Screenwriters' Festival: "The big event for UK screenwriters this year is the London Screenwriters' Festival that's taking place at the end of October. If you're thin..."

Monday, 16 August 2010

1940's America - Great Set Of Photographs

Just go to this website. This is really an excellent set of colour photographs, showing lots of little unknown details from the period.

I had to share. Enjoy!

Saturday, 14 August 2010

Scribd and Me

Hello there! If you've been following my blog and reading my reviews for a while now, you're probably itching to actually read something creative of mine.

If you go to and search for a screenplay called "A Will To Forget", that's mine. So yeah, go read it. If you want to tell me what you think then do so via the e-mail on the script. If you don't want to admit to reading it, or just can't be bothered to e-mail me, then that's okay too.

Enjoy. It will only be up for a limited time.

And it IS copyrighted, so no stealing.


A self-centred girl is forced into re-thinking her lifestyle and personality, as she is reminded of a past she had long forgotten.


Thursday, 12 August 2010

Accidents Happen 2009

I love it when a film just takes you by surprise. Sneaks up behind you in the shadows, reaches around, grabs you by the throat and lifts you high into the air, only to slam you down onto the brutal, unforgiving concrete.

This Andrew Lancaster/Brian Carbee movie is one of the most heart-wrenching movies I have seen for a long time. My eyes are still burning from watching it. The strangest part is, I bought it for no other reason than I liked the look of the sleeve. Call it my one random purchase of the month. I love films like this though. Films that tell a story of human emotion and loss, that we can all relate to, or will relate to sooner or later. I would take ten of these films over any Die Hard type film, any day of the week.

It's not a complicated story in any way. It's the story of two families and their losses through the years, linked by the friendships between their children. It's filmed beautifully, with great care and attention to composition and colouring, which pays off. I love the slow motion that occurs whenever an accident is happening.

All of the actors play their roles beautifully, and sucked me in very early on. I was especially impressed by Geena Davis. Her stand-out scene was near the end, where she finds closure with her vegetable son, Gene. She acts it better than i've seen anybody act before. The young actors don't let the elders down either, unlike many other films where they have to be trusted with major roles. This bunch put the ridiculous child actors in Eastenders to shame. Even the fat brother who I disliked in the beginning (Harry Cook, who plays Larry Conway), acted so well you just had to appreciate the authenticity he brought to his role.

Another great thing about this story and the acting, is that many times, it brought me tears and laughter combined. It does that so well. The best example is of the daughter of Bob at the funeral. The overall mood of the story at this point is sombre and low, but you have to laugh at her, hugging everybody within 10 feet who's ever been touched by disaster in their lives.

I did find the voice-over (narration) as a framing device to be a bit pointless, as the images were more than enough to convey anything we were told through V.O. However, that's just my opinion. As pointless as it seemed, it didn't irritate me, or hurt the story at all.

The twist at the end was kind of predictable, and I saw it coming as soon as the Police admitted finding no bowling ball at the crash scene. But again, the fact that it was predictable didn't ruin it at all, because the scene between Mrs. Smolensky and Billy is so well written that you just get lost in profound thought.

This film is a great combination of many things that combine in perfect harmony to make us laugh, cry, gasp and whince. Hollywood does produce a lot of crap these days, but when I see movies like this come from a studio like Fox, I like to think that there is hope yet.

Accidents Happen is a must-see. 9/10.

Wednesday, 11 August 2010

In Bruges

Forgive me, I'm very, very late with this review. But I sat through most of this film either in fits of laughter, or simply with my mouth wide open in amazement.

The concept isn't complicated at all. It couldn't be simpler. It's the simplest, most obvious story option: take two characters, put them in a place they've never been, and see what happens. Simple enough.

It's the combination of Farrells' well timed comedic skill and a great mix of unexpected events that make this movie work. It feels so fresh and quirky. What's surprising is that Writer and Director Martin McDonagh is responsible for only one other film - Six Shooter - which I haven't yet had the fortune to see.

I was so wrapped up in the story that I just couldn't remind myself to pay any attention to other aspects. The film was a lot darker than I expected, and actually quite gruesome in places. It also had a very sad, solemn undertone, which is mentioned so briefly and quickly on only a few occasions that you could quite easily forget about it or miss it altogether.

All of the actors are at their best here, and I especially loved the American Midget; Easily one of my favourite performances from a midget. I've always enjoyed Colin Farrell and it's been a while since I watched him in anything; In Bruges reminded me why I have always liked him.

I'm off to hunt down the script now! See this movie if you haven't already!